There Is Butt Juice On My Couch.

Not my every day couch, the one in the formal living room that nobody sits  on because it’s very uncomfortable.  Not to Mia though, as evidenced by the amount of hair, mud, and now anal seepage on the couch.  

Apparently at some point on Monday night, Mia’s butt exploded.  Not in a horrible bloody pus filled anal sac abscess way. More of a something spooked her and her apparently full anal sacs contracted and shot their vile contents onto the couch.  

Mia proceeded to loudly, and wantonly lick her derriere for the rest of that evening.  The smell emanating from her was horrific to say the least.  Wafting from her was a metallic odoriferous funk that just about made Perry vomit. 

One of my technicians described the smell once as like “rotting pennies”.  That pretty much sums it up times 10. 

Poor Mia likes to put the kids to bed every night, but not that night.  The stench cloud was too strong. She was delegated to her crate, much to her dismay to be skirted to work the next morning for a bath and anal sac expression. 

For those not in “the know”, a word about anal sacs. (Quick side note: I have to force myself to not use the more popular term “anal gland”. Technically, “glands” produce hormones and substances that are carried throughout the body to various target organs.  Sacs secrete stuff that just stays in one place, hence anal “sacs”). 

Anyhow, anal sacs are these disgusting little sub cutaneous bags of primordial ooze-like liquid at about the 5:00 and 7:00 location on either side of the dog’s anus (or “butt hole”, which is the term I prefer, but it’s not particularly professional.)  The liquid in these glands ranges from clearish brown, to chunky dark coffee ground material, to thick black toothpaste material. Sometimes it’s greenish goo, with tinges of blood or lots of it when infected.  

This is not one of the more glamorous aspects of my job. 

So these glands serve no apparent purpose.  If anything they are somewhat analogous to skunk glands.  They tend to expel their contents during times of stress or duress.  The smell is unmistakable when it happens. 

Occasionally they get clogged, or otherwise full and the dog (or sometimes cat) exhibits fun behaviors such as “butt surfing” (aka “scooting”) where they scootch their bottoms in various patterns across the carpet.  They also seem to spend an inordinate amount of time licking the area (sometimes with resultant “butt breath”, that is what often tells me it’s time to take Mia in for a squeeze). 

I do not express my own dog’s anal sacs.  There is a thing called the human animal bond.  It’s that special bond we share with our pets that we have a much harder time achieving with humans.  It’s precious and special, and I don’t think sticking my finger in my dog’s bootie does does anything to nurture it.  

Thus, when Mia’s glands-err-sacs get full, I pack her off and bring her to the office and let somebody else do the dirty work. 

Meanwhile, the stain still lingers on the couch.  I know I need to clean it, but I never, ever sit there and it’s super gross.  Cleaning it will reconstitute the grossness and I will have to relive the stench all over again.  But I guess that’s what being a grown up is all about, doing things we don’t want to do because we have to do them to make the world go ‘round.  

But maybe, just maybe I can make The Husband do it.










5 thoughts on “There Is Butt Juice On My Couch.

  1. I find that toothpaste cuts the smell better than anything else – I use it to wash my hands, the dog’s butt, etc. If I were in your situation I’d probably try it on the sofa 🙂

  2. That is the nastiness thing ever! I was about gagging just reading the post! Please remind me the next time I’m visiting your humble abode to avoid said seat…I think I might spend the extra buck and get a steam clean…let them extract that funk :0

    On a similar note, are some breeds prone to needing a bottom cleanse versus others?

  3. I feel sorry for Mia. It’s obvious something frightened the dickens out of her. It’s also obvious she was ashamed and embarrassed.

    Poor Mia. Poor you.

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