Madonna (Need I Say More)…

Ya know, I do my best thinking in the shower.  It’s all steamy and there’s that nice white noise, and your mind can drift all around.  Just as an aside, I’m not a fan of extreme cleanliness, as I think it’s not natural to be squeaky clean every single day.  I like to skip a shower a day or two on weekends, get good and grimy to really appreciate that cleanliness… People need a little dirt in their lives, a little oil on their skin and hair, keeps ya young, builds up the ol’ immune system.  

 Not to worry though dear clients, I always shower on work days (99% of the time…I think I skipped the night of the Weezer concert because it was just too darn late, so I went to work bleary eyed and dirty the next day…sorry…it was a great concert though so it was worth it).  My husband is going to die when he reads this, he’s slowly getting over a two shower a day habit. 

So anyhow, today I was showering (I shower at night so I can sleep in just that much longer in the morning)  and I got to daydreaming.  I decided to go ahead and share my daydream with you…

First and foremost I have to tell you about my new client.  When meeting a new client, there is always a moment of apprehension prior to entering that exam room (I’m sure it’s there for you , the client, but I’m talking about me here).  Is the client nice or mean?  Good or Bad?  Will they pay their bill or stiff me?  Chatty or blessed with the personality of a tree stump.  As Forrest Gump so succinctly says, you never know what you’re gonna get. 

After 10+ years of practice, I get why MD’s stop “accepting” new clients, like they are the leaders of their own little exclusive club.  Old clients are great, they’re my comfort zone, I know what their expectations are, I know their pets, their kids, their financial constraints, pet care philosophies, etc.  Over the years I’ve watched their kids grow, I’ve seen young clients graduate high school, college, get married and have babies, some clients have died, others lost jobs, gotten new ones, gotten sick.  We have a bond. 

New clients: a blank slate. 

So anyways:  new client.  I think she may have been scheduled to see Dr. Sharp, but through a turn of events, ended up seeing me.   So, I grab a tech (their offical job is to hold the pet, their unofficial job is moral support during this moment of uncertainty and introduction…if it’s a tree stump client, they give me somebody to talk to besides the pet)   New client brought in a sweet Labrador that she found as a stray in Chile. 

Thankfully, this client is very nice, so we get to chatting.   I got the impression that she did a lot of travelling so I asked her what she did for a living.  And just like that, she dead pans…”I work for Madonna”. 

I am a lowly vet in Plano Texas.  My only brush with fame was when I was a kid and  I saw Patrick Swayze at an Arabian Horse show.  In my brain, I was screaming OMYGOD!!!  MADONNA!!!!  But, hopefully, in person, I maintained my cool (and thank God, the kid who came with her says…”ISN’T THAT COOL!!!”)  Which gave me the opportunity to gush a little bit. 

I’ve always tried to prepare for the event of a celebrity encounter (it’s my secret dream that a celebrity bring their pet in to see me…I have since learned through some vets who actually do take care of celeb pets, that you don’t actually get to see the celeb, you see their “staff”, which doesn’t seem as cool….although I’m sure their staff is very nice).  Anyhow, my goal is to remain calm and detached and treat them like a normal human and not get all “star struck”.  But then are they even used to being treated like a normal human?  Do they want to be treated like a normal human?  Will they lower themselves to even interact with regular mortals such as myself? 

Back to our new client, she actually works for THE Madonna (well, Madonna the pop icon, not Madonna the religious icon) , which is where the dr. switchup becomes a little serendipitous…  Because, while I’m sure Dr. Sharp knows who Madonna is, God love him, I’m not sure he could name one of her songs, as he’s not quite as “up” on the pop culture as those of us under “a certain age”.  So it’s best that I represent this client in the event that Madonna passes through and has a veterinary emergency.

So back to my shower musings….such scenarios swirled through my head:  Lunch with Madonna, I’d pick up the tab because I wouldn’t just ASSUME she’d pick it up, just because she’s like a bajillionairess, and we’d chat about our kids, and how Lourdes, Rocco and David want a dog, but can’t agree on a breed…and then maybe she could introduce me to  her friend Gwynneth Paltrow and her family and we could all “hang out”, because I’m so cool for a regular person. …and we’d all be bff’s and live happily ever after…. 

Hey, a girl can dream right?

And in the event that Madonna has a staff that is constantly scouring the internet for any mention of her that could in any way be construed as slanderous or untrue…I’m totally kidding about the bff part….  I’m not a crazy stalker or anything.  Please don’t sue me…


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